CTFishTalk.com: thank You !!!!!!! - Connecticut Humor Section ( CT Humor Section ) - A Community Built for Connecticut Fisherman.

Old Mud · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 1048 Location: Bath, Maine

Thank You.. permalink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water, without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I cant use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I cant have a drink in a bar because Ill wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put Under God on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I cant use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. I cant do any gardening because I'm afraid Ill get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician ... Oh, by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, its too late. ☺
_________________
"I was so poor growing up that if I wasn't a BOY I'd have had nothing to play with"

All that truly matters in the end is that you LOVED !!!!